I should sleep

It is late…I am tired…

Tired of so many things…tired of reading all these suicide notes but can’t take away the gun…tired of waiting for people who don’t know…tired of where I am…tired of where I am going…of my church…the lack of honesty…tired of being alone…of questioning God…of not feeling love…of having no words…tired of this struggle to become who I am in a place that holds me back…tired of being judged and called the secret disgrace…of being pulled away from the people I love for reasons that I don’t understand…tired of the colour of these walls…its like they don’t really care to exist…why?

I was in the woods today on a trail…I came across this man that shouldn’t have been there…he didn’t live here…and I saw him standing there staring into the woods…and then he whistled, I just figured that he must be some guy I don’t know from the other street taking his dog for a walk….and then suddenly this beautiful hawk flew through the branches and landed on his arm…I was enamored of this bird…he was so gorgeous…I have not seen something like that in so long…something so completely captivating…but it was simple.

Where I am to go after highschool has worried me so much…I know the things I have a passion for, what I want to know and learn, who I want to become, the kind of life I want to lead…I just don’t know how to get there…I want to go to a Christian college, but they are so expensive and my family can’t afford it…I don’t want a career…I don’t mind work..But I don’t want to go to school to get some career…I want to learn, find answers, leave.

I need some coffee…and I need you.

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