I am doing very well…The past few months have taken me through experiences and places that I never thought I would get to, or at least not in the near Future…and I should say that it wasn’t the months that got me here, but rather our loving God…the months were merely measures of my time on this journey.
I think it all started one night, well actually very early one morning when I was at my best friends house…We were hanging out and drinking tea…She decided to call one of our friends from another state…and they were having a good time laughing on the phone and being crazy…I knew he was drunk or high, most likely a combination. She passed the phone to me and said that he had asked to talk to me…I wouldn’t take the phone, I said that I didn’t want to talk to him…but considering that she had the receiver up in my face I decided to take it…I said a distant hello…for the next few minutes I listened to him slur out comments about how he wanted to marry me and how amazing I was…I replied with subtle but cutting remarks and then hung up on him when during some point in the conversation he forgot that he was on the phone…
To describe my emotions at that time would be hard…I had all this anger coursing through me, frustration rising, hurt pounding inside my head, hate tearing at my heart…I was tired of hearing him say those same things, sick of the meaningless compliments, frustrated with going back and forth between trusting and not, and to say the least I was confused…With all this racing through my mind I fell asleep that night very un-peacefully.
Morning came, I opened my eyes…I waited for the night’s events and emotions to wash over me again, but they didn’t…In their stead was this calm, a shalome…this peace that is transcendent. I admit to actually trying to recreate those feelings of hurt and anger, but it I could not…I wanted to spend that morning hating him…But instead I found myself in this sort of love. It was very early and I had to take a shower and be at the church for the tech practice before services, so while Jimme was sleeping and the house was still and quiet I took a shower and got ready…the whole time feeling like I under some sort of an influence, my thoughts for him were only good. I had a few minutes before I was to leave so I sat at her kitchen counter reading scriptures, and all these verses commanding and teaching unconditional love kept coming up…wherever I turned I was being asked to love…At this point I became overwhelmed with a sense of urgency to prayer and love…I asked God to take away the un-graceful thoughts that I had thought towards His child…I asked for direction, how should I begin this life in love? He answered; he put upon my heart a passionate desire to live in harmony with Love for His people…I knew what I needed to do.
I wrote Jimme a letter explaining everything that had been happening…and how I felt that we were wrong and we needed to love. I told her that I would not continue to live my life never loving…If you love you will get hurt…but if you don’t love you will hurt…I don’t care what I do and don’t get from my relationships…I am here to Love His people.
The time came to leave…I stepped outside into a purifying cold as the sun was just rising gold…it was staining where the land met the sky…It was so beautiful, tears were forming in my heart and eyes. I got into my car and pulled onto the empty highway…I was consumed with absolute love and encouragement for the guy who had shattered me the night before. Reaching for my phone, I flipped it open speed-dialing his number…Somewhere in my head I knew it was very early as the sunrise was chasing behind me, so I knew that I would leave him a voicemail, I knew what I was to say. I absently listened to the flat ringing of his line, then came this heart-breaking “hello?” …It took me a second to realize that he had answered…but this is what I told him…. “I need you to know that I am praying for you, I need you to know that I love you….and Dawn is here…” He was silent for a moment as tears were coming down my face.then he answered in a breaking voice telling me thank you, thankyou, …thank you…he kept whispering that…and then asked where I was, where I was going…we said goodbye and hung-up…I was so filled with wholeness, God had used me…I was forgiven, I was named the Lover…I checked my rearview mirror and was blinded by the most stunning and incredible sunrise I had ever seen…it was pouring its light everywhere…In this awesome majesty upon the farm fields…I smiled.
I got to the church and my phone vibrated to tell me I had received a message, it was a text from him, and it said… “That mean a lot to me thank you, that’s one of the first times I have picked up my phone while sleeping in a while” Love had severed sin.
This is my story…this is my realization point…this is where true love and unconditional love took hold of who I was and made me new…I have not existed here the same, I started to live in love. There was a sort of salvation that came to me…Like my life was being saved from the religions, the rules, and the belief that God is just this being who has created a world and then just sort of stands off away watching us struggle through life…No, God is here, God is now, he is with us. And he loves us.
I am named His child and Lover of His People…this is who I am, and this is how I will live. So may the Peace and Love of God transcend all your knowledge and consume you…