No, really I do…And this time I can’t even offer you any good excuses for the lack of writing. No deep dark depression, no crazy work schedule, no internet fasting, no nothing…Just me being unproductive as usual. I can’t decide which is more pitiful…the fact that I used to sign into my Wordpress at least 9 times a day…or the fact that I don’t think I have even signed in 9 times this week. I mean, I think about it…I think about writing too..it’s the thought that counts, right? I’ll just go ahead and answer that for you..
On a more serious note ( as if this tragedy of blog-neglect isn’t serious enough)…Today’s classes blew my mind a little bit…Josh Aurther’s Wisdom Literature class has that tendancy…We are going through the book of Jobcurrently, which is mind-blowing in itself. Wrestling through the fact of God’sultimate sovereignty yet His mercy and love. Kimmy ( a.k.a roomate…be watching for a give away from her new business!) taught out of psalms following Job this morning…She has started by saying that while studying and preparing for the class she had experienced no words of wisdom or direction from God at all…She explained it as Him being “silent”, which ironically spoke volumes to me. God can be silent. I ended up sharing ( rare occurence) my struggle with believing in God’s favor and protection. I love the Psalms…every single bit of them, except the parts where David proclaims God’s protection. The verses that state God will not let those who follow him fall, he will deliver you from the enemy, he will not turn his face…yeah those ones…can’t deal. You see, its a bit easier for me to struggle and suffer and still rely on God, fully believing that He may have caused or at least allowed my very suffering. When people preach and teach that if you are righteous God won’t harm you, or if you walk in His will he won’t let you fall it drives a nail in my heart. It puts this unbearable weight upon my to never screw up or He might hurt me…If I make a wrong choice he will turn His face…If I love the wrong people He will take them away…I can’t live with that…I don’t believe our works earn us His love, favor, and protection…I won’t pretend to have hissovereignty yet love complex figured out, because I don’t…at all. But that is where I draw my comfort…from not understanding, not having answers, yet seeing his overwhelming power in many forms. I can believe in that, I can bein awe over that. I find there to be much freedom in grieving over that which God may have caused…I realize the implications of “caused”, I can feel you become uncomfortable…so wrestle with, and let me know what you come up with. Everything is for a reason..and He works ALL things out for the good of those who Love him. I believe that. One of the most profound ideas that I have ever heard in Josh’s class, was when he said about grief, “…And we will get through it, when we get through it.” This idea that we recognize bad, wrong, and suffering…and are allowed to call it out, to grieve, mourn, and hurt…I had become so utterly tired of being told in my grief to just let it go and accept the “good” that God had for me…as if being hurt was my choice and God was upset with me for not thinking Him enough. That just sent me into guilt on top of grief…What was wrong with me that I couldn’t trust God enough? How horrible I was for not wanting Him like I should? And in the end, I left that “counsel” behind…and I got through it, when I got through it.
All of this was followed by more of my mind-delving as I walked along white river this afternoon on the way to V…where I sketched posters and drank twocappuccinos. I also ate a chocolate chip cookie there, but feel free to pretend that didn’t happen…thats what I’m doing.
Hopefully this is the start to once again publishing regularly. Coming up are some awesome give aways, for kids, for you…for your pet fish…That’s right world, I got a fish…It’s name is Fisk…which is Danish for fish. And that is enough of the word “fish” in one paragraph.
Well…I’m off to go be productive…whatever that is. Peace.